Red Hat Society

For centuries people have been draping themselves with tokens, emblems, labels, fine fabrics and jewels as a way of letting everyone they encounter know the positioning in the social structure of life. Cults and religions have often used the same tactics to set themselves apart from the rest of society.

As you travel through airports, there is no mistaking the Harikrishna’s with their simpleton style robes and their clean-shaven heads. Perhaps taking a drive through the countryside of northeast Pennsylvania you come across a group of people dressed in all black or gray, the men with full beards, the ladies in their bonnets? The image is unmistakable the image is Amish.

Several months ago I heard of yet another group that mark themselves with specific colors and make a rather loud statement to any room they enter. From what I hear of these groups, you’d have thought the Real Queen Mother herself was leading them. All the talk of money, value and power that had been displayed left me a bit curious about this new trend, this religion, and this cult, this Red Hat Purple Dress Society.

Within a few short months it seemed as if I were seeing purple dresses and red hats everywhere. They were in airports, restaurants, and they were in my sleep! I was being haunted! There was obviously no escape from the growing monster that was consuming our mothers and our grandmothers. Menopause and dementia now had a face, and it was purple and red!

The middle-aged and elderly are buying into this façade, a façade that was obviously created by a very crafty person to seduce those they knew were suckers for shopping and gossip. Suddenly everyone wants a piece of the market. Hell, even Hallmark has a Red Hat line and these women are buying, hook line and sinker!

The Red Hat Purple Dress Society is much bigger than the Rubic’s Cube or Pet Rock could ever hope to be. Perhaps it’s because this fad is targeting those with much deeper pockets. Pockets of those they know will spend, spend, spend just to make sure “they” are the one who impresses the most at their next privately held meeting.

Personally I love the idea of our older women getting together for fun. It’s far better than setting at home just to see whom Victor Newman is married to now or whom his new mistress is. But ladies, there has to be a line drawn somewhere!

Rather than buying the most expensive purple dress you can find or adorning your red hat with tokens and jewels that are more fitting for The Kentucky Derby – paint a T-Shirt highlighting your favorite charity. Rather than spending outlandish amounts on due’s or dinners that will only land on your hips or clog your arteries, donate to a good cause. If you really must flash your dollars somewhere, flash them here! I promise to act far more impressed than your peers in purple.

By the way what is it with this purple stuff? First we had the purple teletubby that everyone was certain was gay. And how could we forget the purple dinosaur that made parents all over the world see red just from having to listen to the I Love You song 100 times a day.

Obviously purple is not the best color. No matter how you dress it up or what shape you form it into the greatest purple that ever was existed was a robe. Yes folks, a robe! No one has been able to perfect it in the 2004+ years since, so Give It Up!

Don’t be snowed by the tales of ladies for a cause, or by purple perks. In fact the reason there are so many of these groups is because Hello! Women Do Not Get Along, especially in groups of 20+. The founder of the Red Hat Society has realized this and capitalized on it by charging $35 for each chapter and each chapter’s organizer gets the impressive title of “Queen” herself. Typical scenario is Jane gets honked off at Sue so Sue, to get even begins her own chapter, pays her $35, becomes Queen and begins luring people from Jane’s group with varied meeting days or greater giveaways. It’s true! That’s how Shirley, Indiana, town of approximately 800 people came to have four chapters. Heck Shirley doesn’t even have that many churches or bars!

Let’s do the math here folks! It’s estimated there are 750,000 members in the Red Hat Society and over 30,000 chapters. If each member pays $18 per year and each chapter pays $35 per year, let’s see – That’s an amazing $14,550,000. Not bad for getting ladies together for tea huh?

I just hope and pray that no one gets the bright idea to put a red hat on a purple bottle of wine. Women in those colors mixed with alcohol would not be a pretty site or pleasant experience.

I think I will figure out my own cult now. I think I will call mine the Black Sweats and Green Ball Cap Society and I shall call it BAGS. Our ladies, all ages mind you since we won’t discriminate, could get together and do what women do best – Bitch, Bitch, Bitch, Nag, Nag, Nag – but there would be humor found in it all. After all if you can’t laugh at yourself and with friends who can you laugh with?

By the way – Have you seen my new ring?

August 22nd, 2004

    January 15, 2008 | Filed Under Classic Archives 

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