Who said life is fair?
Last Tuesday, just before our Family-to-Family class, I felt myself having a meltdown. All. Day. Long. The meltdown had begun the previous day and was a steady progression up and until I cracked Tuesday afternoon. For TWO days, I watched while my husband sank into another episode of depression. The same feelings of resentment that I’ve become so familiar with lately, began to pour over me. Resentment for my husbands need to get away from stress - his need to go to bed at 1:00 PM and sleep for three hours - his need to avoid any financial responsibility - while I feel more and more like the weight of the world is thrust on my shoulders.
I stewed…
I felt sorry for myself…
I waited…
I waited until I had him cornered on our drive to the class and let him know there are some TIMES that he needs to push his depression aside and take responsibility - if for nothing else, his son whom he has full custody of. As much as I love his son, I don’t believe it’s my responsibility to provide the ‘necessities’ for him and that I need help in doing so.
In essence, I was telling my husband to ’snap out of it.‘ Little did I know the nights class would be focusing on people just like me! People who offer advice so freely…people who are obviously ignorant to mental illness and the toll it takes on it’s host.
I learned that my husband doesn’t have the ability to "snap out of it" that I must let him process through his episodes at his own pace. I learned in class that this IS my reality and if I love my husband, I’ll stand by him, work with the doctors to find a medication that helps - but we also learned that it may not be as simple as the bipolar diagnosis - there’s likely other issues at play that we’ll be speaking with our doctor about.
Fortunately the kids and I are learning to recognize episodes as they are coming on. When we see the classic signs, we are able to overt attentions away from the episode, walk away, get away - whatever it takes to avoid confrontation during his confrontational phase.
Robert Hamm has taken the time to describe mood disorders and mental illness as it likens to alcohol and drinking. I believe this is one of the best descriptions I’ve found that helps bring a sense of understanding to my own ignorance of my husbands illness.
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Mental illness is hard to understand. Thanks for the reminder that we can’t fix it. It is frustrating though.
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