When you want to crash but can’t

Published by Gayla at 3:54 am under Coffee Break

With each day that passes, I feel myself becoming more familiar with the situation that Kate McLaughlin went through while raising two children with bipolar disorder. The only difference is, I’m married to one and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I can sense a diagnosis coming on one of my children.

We won’t know for certain until the middle of May when we have our first session with a specialist, but everything is pointing in that direction.

Earlier today, I found myself on the phone calling a friend that I know my kids love. Through my tears, I asked if my son could come visit her for the night. He needed to get away from the home currently known as hell – if only for a night.

It seems depression has become a massive wet blanket that is smothering the life and every ounce of happiness from my family.

For the first time I felt the deepest, most dreaded fear I’ve ever known. The fear and thought that my son, my precious child, could be so miserable – depressed in such a way that mom can’t fix – so much so that I actually feared he may do something to harm himself.

I’m not certain if it’s just the heaviness of living in a house so consumed by mental illness or if there’s genuine concern.

My husband, through his clouded judgment effected by his own mental illness, he is quite certain it’s nothing more than a plea for attention.

I don’t think so.

How is a woman supposed to choose between her husband and her son.

I feel as though they are both drowning in a sea of darkness, but I’m only assured the strength to carry one through.

As much as I fear the word, it feels as though divorce is almost inevitable.

Since I took my son to our friends house, I have felt as though all I wanted to do was curl up and sleep – but I can’t. Husband was so exhausted from his week long battle with mania that he crashed before dark.

Again the responsibility of the household was left balancing on my shoulders – I stayed up to watch a movie with the other two boys – all the while a part of me grew even more numb, more tired and ready to crash.

I pray for the day when everything will be normal again – when I know what it’s like to smile and mean it.

4 responses so far

4 Responses to “When you want to crash but can’t”

# Jenniferon 13 Apr 2008 at 10:20 am

Sorry everything is so bad right now. You’re not supposed to choose between your husband and child, that’s the hard part. Your child will always win, and in my opinion should. As hard as any mental issue is for anyone an adult still has some choice in the matter to personally seek help and work at it, kids have a harder time. That’s my experience having worked with homeless / mentally ill kids and then dealing with both my mom’s mental illness (anti-social personality disorder and bi-polar) plus Cedar’s dad who has mental issues, not bi-polar though, at least, I don’t think, I guess I don’t know. He won’t get help.

Have you looked into any support groups for just you? That might be helpful. It’s really hard to live every single day like this. Especially when people tell you that the other person is truly ill and can’t help it, but that you should stick by because they can’t help it, a support group can help you deal. I guess I’m not helping. But it sucks you’re having to deal with this. I’m sorry to hear about it. If you need any help with anything, or want to write nothing but vents, you can always email.
# Linetteon 13 Apr 2008 at 3:21 pm

I think Jennifer is right, there comes a time when you have to think about you. When you focus so hard on what is right for everyone else it sucks the life out of you. As much as we want to we can’t always carry the weight of the world on our shoulders.

I’m sending you bear hugs, and positive thoughts.
# Gaylaon 13 Apr 2008 at 4:00 pm

Jennifer and Linette, thanks for your comments. I know there’s never a question in my mind as to whom I would have to choose if placed in that position – but for others around me – my son is just going through a phase. I know it’s more then that. This is a kid that I’ve raised and know better then anyone – there’s something very wrong. Even his twin came to me last night with worry. I think that says a lot.

Thanks for your thoughts – they are appreciated.
# Kateon 22 Apr 2008 at 4:03 pm

Gayla!
Sending you lots of love and powerful supportive energy. I know how you feel. I’ve been where you are.
Visit my website at http://www.katemclaughlin.net for more information and please take good care of yourself and remain hopeful.
ou will get through this. You will find the meaning and the lessons.
Blessings!
Kate