Just another manic Thursday
When it comes to living with someone who suffers a mental illness like bipolar, you often recognize patterns in their behavior. A few years ago, I could mark my calendar by my husbands mood. When the Wednesday prior to his long drive to pick up his children for visitation weekend rolled around, he would become highly irritable. For three full days, my boys and I would walk on eggshells hoping not to piss him off too much and tried to mollycoddle him as much as possible to make this recurring event a little more bearable for all of us.
As the children aged and custody situations changed, so did the timing of his deepest, darkest episodes. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to give this horrible timing a name - episode?!? - sounds easily enough and well defined doesn’t it? Such a small, concise word for such a nightmarish experience.
Right at a year ago, I saw the stress his job was putting on him. God had finally blessed me with enough income that I was able to tell him he could quit his stressful job and pursue what made him happy. I wanted to put the days of mine and the kids playing watchtower, to determine his moods upon arriving home from work, far behind us.
Little did I know, his dreams would be fleeting and before long, all he wanted to do, or had energy to do was tend to his birds, sleep and watch Discovery and History channel. It seemed like I’d woken up from a horrible dream only to realize the man I’d married was gone and in his wake was a complete stranger. A stranger I was left to take full responsibility for.
These days, my husband works minimal hours at a job that accommodates his schedule. I was thrilled at the prospect that he had a job, one that was quite cool really and perhaps having a little income would give him a sense of accomplishment and that would provide him a means of caring a bit for his own children.
I was so wrong, in so many ways.
With the new job came new behavior patterns and episodic behavior. Every other Thursday, which around here is called ‘payday’ he begins an episode. He stirs chaos in our house, becomes argumentative, insulting and negative. Thanks to the Family-to-Family class we are taking, I was able to recognize the cause of these bi-weekly episodes. I realized my husbands overwhelming urge to spend money was the driving force and the only way he can justify his behavior is to create an argument that provides him the excuse to leave the house.
When he returns, he comes bearing items that were needed in the house to begin with as a sort of shadow that masks the other items he may have purchased in haste.
For several months before he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, he had a draw toward purchasing coffee cups. Not just any coffee cup - the $30 - $50 coffee cups from Danbury Mint.
It wasn’t like we didn’t have cabinets literally filled fully deep and stacked two high of cups already. I’ve never understood his need for such silly purchases, but it was those cups that lead us on a path of diagnosis.
What it will take to reach recovery is still a mystery and at times a seemingly unachievable one.
As much as I love my husband and adore his son, there are days, like today, that I struggle deeply with the desire to leave a note asking that he look me up when he’s recovered and taking my kids and fleeing.
I heart my ex-in-laws
The one thing aside from my twins that came out of my first marriage was a valuable relationship with my former in-laws.
Lots of people find it very strange that I adore my ex mother-in-law and her family. We talk to each other often on the phone - end every call or visit with "I love you" and mean it. I always make sure to include her and my ex sister-in-law and extended families into my plans for buying school picture packages, Christmas card lists and the boys sports schedules.
In fact, my relationship with my former in-laws is close enough that my current husband felt very threatened by them when we first married. Since then he’s realized that these are genuine people, with good hearts and sincere intentions. I don’t think you’d find a malicious bone in their bodies if you tried.
Ex-MIL goes through great pains to make sure the holidays are not stressful on the kids and she phones me at least two weeks in advance when she wants to block time on the kids schedule. She’s one of the most considerate people I’ve met.
Perhaps my relationship with my former in-laws has me spoiled - because I believe all grandparents should call in advance to schedule time with their grandkids. I don’t think just because they contributed one half of the parent value of a child that it gives them right to completely run rough-shot over the parent and make plans with the children without consulting the parent.
Given that my mother doesn’t live real close, this isn’t a problem with her. And it wasn’t a problem when she did live close.
I do run somewhat a tight ship when it comes to schedules. In fact, I’m quite anal. I believe the parents of children should be consulted on every decision that involves that child. If a grandparent wishes to take a child out to eat and to a movie, they should ask the parent FIRST and if it’s ok and doesn’t interfere with other family plans, then they can be given permission to ask the child along.
Should grandchildren be given the liberty to make plans to do things and go places with grandparents without consulting the parents first?
Am I being too big a beyoch over this?
The occasional stranger
I’ve waited so long for this week to arrive - the week when I could begin saying "next week, we start our Family-to-Family classes." You see, next week, my husband, kids and myself will begin a 12 week course through NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) to learn how to embrace the occasional stranger that visits our house and learn coping techniques. This stranger is bipolar disorder.
Anyone who has ever had contact with someone with bipolar disorder knows what a struggle it can be to engage in the simplest of conversation. A person with bipolar disorder isn’t any less a person and certainly aren’t less deserving of love - but what they are, I’m not quite sure.
My husband, whom I love and adore more than anything has been battling a problem without a name for several years. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that we learned this problem has a name. And it wasn’t until a couple of months ago that we learned of family support and classes that teach entire families ways to live more harmoniously with a bipolar consumer.
Everyone in or around the blogosphere is familiar with the name Heather B. Armstrong or more lovingly called Dooce — but few dig deep enough in her links to uncover the man behind the blogging powerhouse. Thankfully I’m nosey enough that I did dig deep enough. It was through Mr. Heather that I discovered the support options to begin with and where I learned to embrace the person and talk about this aspect of our own family dynamics.
Grandparent Rights
Grandparents take for granted their rights to visitation with their grandchildren. In reality it is a privilege given by the parents and a privilege that should be earned.
In today’s world of blended families the parents role is more difficult then ever. Not only are they trying to be impartial to the children, they have to contend with ex- spouses, ex-in-laws and new in-laws as well. When you add grandparents that think the new parent is lacking in parental skills - you’ve a perfect recipe for toxic relationships and you have a battle ground where many are bound to get hurt.
I happen to think that as grandparents, we should never question our grandchildren, as to how they feel about their new parental figure. We all know that these things take time. I am sure there were times that my children did not like me, nor my rules. If issues are important to a child and if you’ve established your position as a trusted adult, the child will come to you if they need to.
I would like to hear what you all think on this subject. So what about those grandparent rights? Earned, expected or absolute?
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