Not Before Coffee

To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy by sending me your damn chain letters over the last year.

Because of your concern:

* I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

* I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

* I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* I no longer use saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

* I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

* I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.

* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.

* I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops.

* I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

* I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

* I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

* I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I no longer have a cell phone — but that will change once I receive my new Ericcson phone.

* I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

* I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

* I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the hospital for the 1,000,000th time.

* I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated in their special e-mail tracking program.

I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!
Now if you DON’T send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon.

To all my friends and family, Thank you for making me safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy by sending me your damn chain letters over the last year.

Because of your concern:

* I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

* I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

* I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

* I no longer use saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

* I no longer go to movies because I could sit on a needle infected with AIDS.

* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could get pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

* I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a wet dog on a hot day.

* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaida in disguise.

* I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops.

* I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

* I no longer eat pre-packaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

* I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

* I no longer look at the opposite sex because they will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

* I no longer have a cell phone — but that will change once I receive my new Ericcson phone.

* I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

* I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

* I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl about to die in the hospital for the 1,000,000th time.

* I no longer have any money but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me since I participated in their special e-mail tracking program.

I want to thank all of you soooooooo much for looking out for me!
Now if you DON’T send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon.

With the 4th of July Holiday approaching, feelings of patriotism begin to bubble up inside me.

While setting out on my porch today after the morning dew had burned off, I looked across the road at the rolling fields and those amber waves of grain.

I realized just how much living in the heartland really means to me.

At times I joke about the rural area I live in and all the conveniences we lack, but by that same token I have conveniences that can never be replaced by having a 7-11 on the nearest street corner for when the gas gauge is running low or we are about to pour out our last bit of milk on the morning cereal. I may not have the conveniences of running through a drive-thru to pick up dinner on the way home, but what I do have is the convenience of opening the door and having my kids pluck a handful of veggies from the garden to whip up a nice wholesome meal.

When we lived on the farm, we didn’t have the traffic and people hustling by in such a hurry to get their next lunch date or rushing to get to their kids soccer game in hopes of catching the last 10 minutes just so they don’t feel bad and can say at least they were there.

What we had was an occasional farmer puttering down the road in his tractor getting to his next bit of spraying of plowing, but if he doesn’t get it done before his kids baseball game starts, that’s fine, he can leave it safely in the field and return to it when the more important things in life are tended to.

There are some things I have often taken for granted out here in my boring but slow life, then a friend from a few states away draws my attention to the birds and tree frog she hears chirping because the sun has decided to peak through for the latter part of this day.

It’s those times that I realize just how convenient it is here in the middle of nowhere. It’s convenient to walk out the door and let the breeze caress my cheeks. It’s convenient to listen toward the distance to my world where no one is hurried to get anywhere, because they are right where they want to be, HOME among the fruited plains.

Watching Traci Nobles on Today. This is completely repulsive.

She knew Wiener was married – but claims they never went into personal discussions.

Traci acts as though she was at least respectful of Huma in that way.

She says no regrets

She won’t offer up an apology “it is what it is.”

When asked what she would say to his wife – she said she doesn’t like to think about that. She was flattered at the time.

When asked if she was embarrassed, she said she didn’t regret it.

Women like this make me ill!

She went on to state she wants the world to know she’s a good person?!?!

Good “Christian” people don’t engage in activities with the spouses of other people in a way they KNOW God would disapprove.

Huma should take him to the cleaners!

Watching Traci Nobles on Today. This is completely repulsive.

She knew Wiener was married – but claims they never went into personal discussions.

Traci acts as though she was at least respectful of Huma in that way.

She says no regrets

She won’t offer up an apology “it is what it is.”

When asked what she would say to his wife – she said she doesn’t like to think about that. She was flattered at the time.

When asked if she was embarrassed, she said she didn’t regret it.

Women like this make me ill!

She went on to state she wants the world to know she’s a good person?!?!

Good “Christian” people don’t engage in activities with the spouses of other people in a way they KNOW God would disapprove.

Huma should take him to the cleaners!