Ever since I can remember, I have gone through periods of deep depression. There’s no real rhyme or reason to the bouts – the just sort of come and go.
Over the last few weeks, I have fallen into one of those funks again. Combine the depression with OCD and a bit of ADHD and you have a recipe for depressive chaos.
When my mind is not extremely occupied with work or family projects, I tend to fall into a darkness that usually spins out of control. Someone can look at me cross-eyed, and I cry like a baby. I struggle to complete necessary tasks – like grocery shopping or running errands. Appointments get cancelled or postponed because I can’t stand the thought of leaving my home.
Since our home became an empty nest in November, the struggles have grown more frequent. I’m normally a person who wakes at 4:30 AM and runs at mach speeds until I fall into bed around 10:00 PM. However, the normal these days has been to hit the snooze three of four times before getting up to fix my husbands lunch and coffee before seeing him off to work. Once he’s on his way, I fall back to sleep until 9:00 or even later. It takes every ounce of energy I can muster to get cleaned up – let alone, vacuum or fix dinner.
I see the tragedy around me – the loss of life, families torn apart by death or illness, then I feel guilty for not being grateful for what I do have.
A few months ago, my primary contract job came to an end. The legal matter I had been heavily engulfed in for two years has been decided. With all that behind me, I have found myself trying to figure out what it is I want to do next.
I have applied for a gazillion jobs, but haven’t gotten one yet.
The other day, while engaging in what I call mowing therapy – which basically means, mowing 5 acres over 7 hours of time – I was able to forget job hunting, I was able to clear my mind and being the true Cancerian that I am, I recognize the signs that present themselves, all around me.
When I looked toward the back of the property, I saw two deer (photo shown) – grazing in the tall grass. They were so majestic – so still – so relaxed. I stopped the mower for a bit and just watched them. As I was watching them, I occurred to me, just how relaxed I had become. My mind was clear – my anxiety had dropped and I felt like I could breathe again.
In that instant, I realized that good things do happen. I have been going through robotic motions, but my heart has not been in anything I was doing. I have been throwing darts into the wind, hoping something would stick. Knowing the Laws of Attraction like I do, I couldn’t believe how wrong I had been in everything I was doing – Everything!
As I struggle to climb out of the darkest funk I have seen in many years, I am going to get back to my LOA practice. How could I have overlooked the obvious.
- Thoughts become things.
- Ask and you will receive.
- If you think it, you can achieve it.
- Focus on what you want, as if it’s already yours.
- Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.
So obvious! So easy!
Do you struggle with depression? Do you feel overwhelmed? How do you cope?
