One of the best sex and relationship columnists going, Dan Savage at Nerve responded to a gal the other day who was asking about engagement – talking engagement and moving in together.
You were discussing marriage at three months?
The fact that he would bring up marriage so early, and the fact that you didn’t laugh in his face, disqualifies you both from obtaining a marriage license. (Okay, it doesn’t — but it should.) Three months — eight months, sixteen months — is way too soon to be discussing marriage. Sure, you can allow yourself to be swept away by new love, you can crush out on each other, you can sheepishly admit that you’ve allowed yourself to daydream about marriage — so long as that admission is immediately followed by this statement: “But I realize it’s way too soon to even think about it seriously…” But you absolutely, positively should NOT be making plans to marry, small ceremonies or large, courthouse or St. Paul’s Cathedral, at eight f**king months; nor should you attempt to hold him — or anyone else — to a premature “commitment” to wed.
I’ll give – three months is awfully quick to be discussing marriage. Though I’ve been there, done that. I had a man want to put a ring on my finger in mere weeks – but I think that was more of a territorial thing than an “engagement” thing – but 16 months is far too long in my opinion.
I’ve always believed a year is a good timeframe to work with before becoming engaged or getting married. This allows the couple to process through all four seasons – you can see how your partner maneuvers through those seasons, observe the activities they enjoy during those times – how they handle the holidays – how they handle meeting your extended family and much more.
That’s not to say there are some relationships that can withstand an early engagement and commitment – because I know couples who married after a couple months of dating – and they’re still together 20+ years later.
As long as you’ve weathered some of the best and worst of times – seen each other at both worst and best, survived a long trip away together and have endured a crisis or two – then you might just have what it takes to endure marriage for the long haul.
It’s important that each person is honest about finances too. That being the biggest relationship killer – don’t ever expect love to be strong enough to survive a surprise credit score that hinges on the side of despair.
