I love how God conveniently puts people in your life, right where they need to be, when they need to be and you realize later just how magnificent “coincidence” is. Feeling very inspired, hopeful and confident today!
That was my Facebook status update this morning.
People who know me know that I am vain without fail – but I struggle with self-esteem daily – almost hourly.
The struggle goes back to childhood and learning first-hand just how mean kids can be. While my parents and most relatives did what they could to encourage confidence, the mean kids seemed to have the greater power.
That struggle has carried over into my adult life – always wondering if I’m good enough – always trying to be the best at everything I do, from tending to that reflection in the mirror, to being the best, most loving/nurturing mate, to being the supportive friend, to cleaning every nook and cranny – I invest 110% – often to the point of exhaustion – both mental, physical and emotional. I ask very little in return – because that would be selfish.
In my marriages I’ve encountered infidelity – that infidelity was taken very personal and I convinced myself it was my fault rather then recognizing the flaws in character of the mates I had chosen – I simply resorted to the conclusion that I was just not good enough.
When I had children – I knew, without fail, my kids were the two people on the planet that would love me unconditionally. I found comfort, safety and reassurance in my position of being MOM. That is the position I would keep as my defining influence for 17 years and counting.
I spend a great deal of time reading positive, uplifting books hoping one of them will hold the magical words that will lift my self-esteem and unleash the self confidence so I covet in others. I listen to The Secret hoping that one day I will believe the lessons for more then a couple of hours.
In effort to pursue my quest for confidence and self-worth, I have begun a search for a career change. Something I can be good at – something to call my own – something that will define me in a way I’ve grown unfamiliar with.
God knows my heart – God knows my needs and lately he has been providing what I need most, even when I don’t recognize it right away.
Call it coincidence if you will – I call it magnificent and divine, because these gifts are provided by someone who has always and will always love me without fail. God.
Yeah, I know, I’m probably every practicing therapists dream subject. However, I’m not sure I’d have the time or the money to get me through some of the issues I struggle with.
So – for now – I will continue to believe the answers to my problems are as far from me as my knees are from the floor. I will continue to trust in my faith and my God to guide me. I sure hope I recognize the answers when they come to me.
